SINGLENESS: MY EXPECTATION VS MY REALITY

Going down memory lane and remembering the sole reason I decided to be celibate and do away with romantic relationships, I realized that I really didn’t expect so much going single. Don’t get me wrong, my reason for being single was because at that time, I was already having this void in my heart and God was drawing me close to him but I kept resisting him. I had given myself out to everyone who looked like a potential validator but i still couldn’t find what I wanted in them. That’s basically what happens when you decide to find peace in the creation instead of the creator. I had gotten to that point where I was tired of giving a piece of me to everyone who cared to look my way and I needed to stop rebounding. Staying off romantic relationships was the way out for me. Although, I still did a little pornography and masturbation until I encountered Christ. My encounter with Christ changed my view about being single, dating and marriage. In fact, i found myself consuming lots of christian books on being single, dating and marriage and it was amusing at a point such that some of my friends thought I was getting married soon. I didn’t know why I was doing all that but it all makes sense to me now.

Before I finally decided to do away with romantic relationships, I can’t remember the last time I was single since I started having boyfriends. And my notion about singles was that they probably have spiritual problems or they are unattractive. But when i decided to make this decision, i never remembered this stereotype that i had created about them in my head. All i just needed was a break from MEN and SEX. Almost 3 years single and I realized I didn’t expect or foresee most of the things I’m currently going through neither did I expect myself to do so well being single.

To start with, I want you to know God is not a cruel person. The fact that you’re single doesn’t mean he’s withholding the good gift (finding “the one”) from you. Also, finding that one person that fits you isn’t a race; you’re in no competition with anyone. Yes, the society may have created a club for people who have found the one person who fits them but just so you know, there’s no single/relationship club in heaven.

MY REALITY

Singleness is a God given gift (Matt 19:11):

There are others out there who still think like the old me. They feel not being in a romantic relationship equals you being odd. Honestly, I’m at the point where I’m tired of people asking me why I’m still single. Some may go “Are you still single?” but very soon, I may have to adopt the idea of asking them the same question too. I could go “Are you still engaged/married?” as the case may be because at this point, my threshold is weak. Singleness is as much of a gift as being married, people need to come to the point where they don’t have to make singles feel less of themselves.

Singleness can be hard

Fam! There are days when I feel great about being single; other days, it just hits different. I’m not lonely, I enjoy my company, a lot. I think it’s that part of me that wants intimacy; not necessarily sex, maybe some closure , I’m just alone but so many times, my brain tells me “Folakemi, you are lonely” which of course is false. Also, the issue of sexual temptation is crazy. Some days, you feel you may go insane the next second. Loneliness and sexual temptation are closely related, the more lonely you are, the more likely you are to have sexual fantasies and sin. If you find yourself in this situation, seeking help is the best thing to do as well as seeking friendships and keeping close contact with trustworthy relatives while being self-disciplined and not forgetting to “flee from sexual immorality” (1 Cor 6:18)

Singleness is temporary

If you are currently single, and you desire to be married, you will be married some day. There’s definitely someone out there for you. Understand that marriage is an earthly representation of what God wants to enjoy with us forever. As much as human relationships are great, none is as important as our eternal relationship with Jesus. Therefore, have it at the back of your mind that your singleness will not be forever.

Singleness is advantageous

Being single is good, being married is good but both have their various requirements to make it enjoyable. You have no idea what it takes to be married until you’re married; you could ask your married folks. But as a single, you don’t have to deal with the worries of being married. Being married means you have to share everything you do with your life with another person. Whew! Quite a lot if you ask me and you have to be at least prepared for it. Being singles gives you enough time to be devoted to God; no spouse or children to disturb you (1 Cor 7:32–34). Why not enjoy this undivided time and attention you can give to God?

Your single season is that season where you work on being whole and complete in God. Nobody’s child can complete you; I’ve been through that lane and I know better. They can add to you but they will never complete you. No matter how good looking, intelligent, tongue speaking, prayerful this person is, they can’t complete you; it’s not in their capacity or power. Before you let another person into your life, be at least sure of yourself. This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect or anything close, by the way, you’re still a work in progress but you need to be enough. Are you enough? I’ll tell you this, If you were depressed before you meet this person, they can’t make your depression completely go. Your single season makes room for you to work on problems such as this. Give God the hurt, weaknesses and all that may hinder you from improving on yourself, do not sugarcoat things with him. As much as I sometimes want to be in a relationship, I’m so glad I have this season to work on myself and be a better person. I think you should be glad too.

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